The Denome’s Advocate

A satirical column


Young people may be key to deciding this election if they vote. Photo courtesy of the EAC

By Thomas Denome

F or the first time in four long years, it’s presidential election season. The time of year when Democrats complain about voter suppression, Republicans complain about voter fraud and third parties just complain about voters.

In addition to problems with zombie voters or Libertarians and Greens spending election night crying in their beds like an anime fan on prom night, we have a variety of other problems with the political process — for example, the lack of participation from young people, such as HHS seniors.

But is it really an issue that our young people, one of the nation’s largest and most important demographics, are not voting?

The common argument is that young people need to participate in democracy more, kickstart the political system and allow for everybody’s voice to be heard. In addition to universal political participation being unrealistic, young people have failed to get themselves to the polls, proving burdensome to the nation.

Indeed, it may even be better if young people are not at the polls making the decisions. Look at the incredible quality of politicians that have been elected with low voter turnouts! Legendary, honest presidents such as Richard Nixon, George W. Bush and the great Warren Harding have all been elected with lower participation than normal, according to statistics from UC Santa Barbara.

The real question is: what about a low voter turnout brings us the best president? The answer may be simpler than you think.

Young people are too dumb to make the correct decision while voting.

I am not without evidence here. Young people have already taken a number of steps to  ruin the country, such as how they demand everything be free. How are we going to pay for government-sponsored healthcare or debt-free college? I don’t remember the country having 536 billionaires who can afford it.

In addition, young people typically lean far to the left of the political spectrum. You know, the side whose nominee is a 35-year political veteran and former Secretary of State. I don’t know about you, but I think 40 years should be our new cutoff, so as to keep the young and unqualified candidates out.

Even with the country getting lazier and our young people leaning left, the country can persist. So I’d like to take this time to ask all of our nation’s young people, HHS students included, to follow this one simple bit of advice:

Get out and DON’T vote. With your lack of contribution to our political system, you can help elect a horrible businessman who lies about his wealth, policy positions and political connections but would still make the country great again. Wait a second…