The Epitaph

(SATIRE) The Denome’s Advocate: Trump attacks gold stars, outrages kindergarten community

By Thomas Denome

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Secondary school classrooms around the nation have a lot to worry about right now, from a rise in the number of sexual assaults in schools and funding and staffing shortfalls to the rising number of bear attacks since January. However, kindergarten classrooms have mostly been forgotten in the chaos, as the nation has apparently decided that any child born after No Child Left Behind should be left behind.

Last week, President Trump made sure to bring primary school back into the national conversation when he levied attacks against gold stars. Many teachers in kindergarten and first grade have traditionally relied on gold stars as a way of rewarding students for good behavior in the classroom.

Despite the positivity of the gold star program, Trump reportedly had harsh words for it when talking to a kindergarten teacher last week. According to Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-FL), who overheard the remarks, Trump said that it wasn’t fair that teachers gave out gold stars to some kids and not others, and that the kids who didn’t receive them “thought that’s what they signed up for.”

Trump also personally attacked the congressman on Twitter.

“Frederica Wilson didn’t get half as many gold stars as me in kindergarten!” Trump said.

The White House backed Trump’s statement up in a press briefing on Friday.

“It’s highly inappropriate to question four-star presidents,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, alluding to a release by Trump’s kindergarten class noting that he had received four gold stars when he was five.

Wilson fired back, however, noting that she and others had received far more gold stars than Trump in kindergarten.

“I’m personally very proud of all the gold stars I recieved,” Wilson said, removing the cowboy hat she routinely wears. Out from under the hat fell several hundred gold stars.

The Department of Education later confirmed that Trump’s four gold stars were, in fact, well below the national average for kindergarteners.

“If he had been in Alabama or Louisiana, he would have been a regular genius compared to the rest of his classmates,” a Department spokesman said. “But compared to the majority of the nation, he’s well behind on his gold star numbers.”

Teachers were further outraged by Trump’s comments, as some saw Trump’s comments as demeaning to the practice of gold star-giving.

“What does he mean, ‘it’s not fair that some get gold stars and some don’t?’” one California teacher said. “I make sure to give gold stars to every student in my class. What with the $12,500 we spend on education per student, there’s enough to make sure every child receives a high-quality public gold star!”

Trump’s comments also drew subtle criticism from his predecessor as well. While campaigning on behalf of a candidate in New Jersey’s governor race, former President Barack Obama made sure to note that he had received several thousand stars from his teachers in kindergarten.

The crowd responded approvingly. As Obama left the stage, chants of “four more stars!” could be heard.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
About the Writer
Thomas Denome, Editor in Chief

Thomas is one of the Editors-in-Chief of The Epitaph, and is in his fourth year on the staff. A copy editor, columnist, satirist, award-winning headline...

1 Comment

One Response to “(SATIRE) The Denome’s Advocate: Trump attacks gold stars, outrages kindergarten community”

  1. Anon on October 24th, 2017 11:30 pm

    I love this. Four… no FIVE gold stars for this article.

The Epitaph reserves the right to moderate comments on articles. Spam or obscene comments may be deleted without prior notice.

If you want a picture to show with your comment, go get a gravatar.